Speaking of Waterboarding

I know some may think I am minimizing waterboarding here, but I believe I am intimately familiar with the practice every time I go to the dentist. While when I was a kid, I compare my dentist to Dr. Frankenstein due to his brutal pain inducing ways, he did let me hold the suction and use it when I wanted.

Now that I am an adult, the dentist never offers to allow me to hold the suction. Somehow I never remember to ask to hold it until it is too late. I have always thought the dentist was just busy and forgot until I was at a specialist last week and he had an assistant holding the suction. No, they just are not concerned about the lake of saliva that accumulates in the back of my throat during the work until the level is so high it reaches the tooth they are working on at the moment. If it happens to be a tooth near the front, forget about it. However, even the last tooth way in the back leaves enough liquid to drown you.

It is a tricky job to navigate this situation. The dentist is working on your teeth. You are constantly moving your tongue around to keep from getting a hole drilled in it. It's "Open" then "Close", "Relax", "Open Wider", etc. Then there is the chronic nagging to satisfy the automatic reflex to swallow. Ever try to swallow with your mouth open? Last week the dentist put a jack in my mouth so it was quite a feat to swallow with my mouth open at its widest. When swallowing it is important not to actually swallow anything. First, you don't actually want to swallow that accumulation of liquid, drilled particles and chemicals they have placed in your mouth. Second, you cannot swallow the entire lake in one action. To try to swallow some, opens the gate for the whole mass to shout "Once more unto the breach" and dive for the gap. It is at this point that the waterboarded feeling takes full effect.

You can't really tell the dentist anything because your mouth is wide open. He would only hear, "I xcheed thouexseambn". Since your tongue is blocking the gap for dear life, it cannot assist in producing distinct consonants and diphthongs; so that representation is probably much clearer than the actual words that you say. The dentist will politely act as if he understands every word and keep drilling as more water flows to cool the drill. You try curling your finger like an upside-down 'J', but he thinks you are making some strange attempt to give him the finger. He knows everybody hates him, so he is used to it.

Your thoughts begin to get frantic. "I am going to drown in my own saliva and drill water. How long will it take for the paramedics to get here to revive me? Who will give me mouth to mouth - the dentist or the matronly assistant? If I survive the drowning, will the chemicals get me? Aghh, more chlorine based chemicals. Don't breath. Don't breath. If I swallow, will that force my tongue next to the drill? Will I feel it now or after the Novocaine wears off? When is this going to be over? Oh no, the dentist has to take a phone call and he forgot to suction me before walking away. Maybe when he comes back I can just turn my head and let it all dribble out onto his knee." And so it goes. When the procedure is over and all instruments, liquid and chemicals are out of your mouth, you breath fully and freely; enjoying every moment of stale dentist office air.

Yes, I will be accused of taking a serious subject and minimizing it. However, I truly believe I have a clue as to what this treatment is like and nobody is going to convince me otherwise.